BBC Opens Separate Complaints Department for Jeremy Clarkson

Way things are going giant moon probably going to hit Japan

World Prepares to Celebrate 2010th Anniversary of the Jewish Conspiracy to Keep Christ out of the Inn

via foodstorageandbeyond.com

Movie News: The Beaver

Mel Gibson has a new movie.

Oh, my god, plenty of material there already. Go on.

It's called "The Beaver."

Okay, control yourself. Keep calm. Keep Calm.

It's about a man who can only communicate through a hand-puppet.

You mean he talks through his beaver?

Well you could say that, but...

Is it a sort of "Leathal Muppet?"

Sort of. It's also about a border-line crazy person who expresses themselves through objects. But this time it's a hand-puppet and not a hand-gun.

So, it's more like a movie rip off of Nina Conti's act.

I suppose so.

The one thing that bothers me is...

What's that?

What are they going to call the porn version?

Hmm.

The Beaver will be set free in 2011.

Trans Phatty Acid - Scientists warn youth about dangers latest music craze

Bernoit Mandelbrot (1924-2010) honoured for services to Trance music videos.

Return of the Jedi - original "down" ending revealed

George Lucas has revealed how his original ending for the blockbuster-smash-sequel The Return of the Jedi was much more of a downer than the commercially-fuelled film that was actually made. In the original ending, the Ewok civilisation was wiped out by a sexually transmitted disease introduced by Chewbacca. Also the ghost of the Emperor returns and used uses Force-powered Ghostbuster-style technology to suck up and capture the ghosts of Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Anekin Skywalker. In the new democratic galaxy, former royals are forced to work and Leia finds herself in Jabba the Hutt's old den - now a sleazy club - dancing for a living in a gold bikini. Most fans say they would have preferred this ending.

Robbie Returns To Mothership

Sepp Blatter agrees that in future, goal-line decisions will be made by octopi.

World-Cup Statistics Table for you to fill in

Team	____	____	____	____
Fumbled Saves
Dives in penalty area
Number of refereeing mistakes against
Number of refereeing mistakes for
Number of coaches since last world cup
Players sent home by current coach
Number of team mutinies during championship

Black is the new Blæc say Etymologists.

"The Empire Breaks Back," Hollywood's first ever gay sci-fi adventure, is 30 years old today.

Prehistoric News: Pterodactyls Grounded by Ash Cloud

Dateline: 8th darkness, 3rd Moon, 65,000,000 BC

Giant mountain ash from place fireball struck ground stop pterodactyl fly. Beginning of end warn Diplodocus with placard. Is nothing to fear says Tyrannosaurus. What is this Wuthering in the Heights, demands Brontësaurus.

Teenager Locks Herself in Her Boat for Seven Months

It's every parent's nightmare. A screaming argument at the end of which your teenage child storms off, slams the cabin door and refuses to come on land for dinner for half a year. For one family, Mr and Mrs W of Afterperth, Australia, the nightmare happened after an argument over whether imperial or nautical miles were the best, in which their daughter screamed at them that she wished she had "never been seaborne."

The W's daughter not only stomped to her yacht, but took the step of having her yacht stomp off to sea. Tweeting via facelog that her parents "didn't understand," she stayed in her boat, for seven months.

When asked whether he thought her daughter would be lonely, Mr W replied, "She's a teenager. Of course she'll be lonely."

Air Travel Made Extinct by Huge Volcanic Eruption

Vulcanic Ash Disrupts European Flights: When Bollywood Stars Go Bad!

Easter Thought: Jesus Died so that Priests Might Sin

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James Cameron makes millions on people "just seeing what the fuss is about."

French Scientists: "It's no surprise British scientists cannot find evidence for G-spot."

Ishatar - new 3D movie sensation

UK destroyed by snow

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.

BBC baffled by artists' refusal to censor song about censorship.

The BBC today stood by their decision to ask the band The C***swingers to censor their latest single, "I don't give a fuck about the word, 'fuck,' gonna fucking say 'fuck' to you." The corporation had originally asked the band to drop the one offensive word from the song without realising it would have left the chorus as "----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ---- ---- ----." A BBC spokesman has said the whole thing was "a bit of a b***s-up." The C***swingers are Kez Shitstorm, Kiz Twatbasher and Humphrey Twistleton-Harbream.

Michael Jackson Movie Said To Be Best Thing Since White, Sliced Bread That Used To Be Brown Bread

Those Nobel Prizes in full

Barack Obama wins the Peace Prize for dividing US so much, fighting remains within the country.
Whoopi Goldberg wins Prize for Linguistics for creating greater diversity in definitions for sexual crimes
NASA wins the original Alfred Nobel Prize for making dynamite that actually works on the moon.

Nasa reveals that operation "Space: 1999" is 10 years behind schedule

Nasa tracks down Bin Laden to lunar hide-out

Definition: "Making Whoopi" - sex between a consenting adult and the opposite

Further new definitions from the latest edition of Goldberg's Dictionary of Criminal Sexual Acts include:
"Rape-rape" - the forcing of sexual acts onto another adult.
"Rape" - party game for teenagers.
"Date-rape" - a date where at least one party got what they were after.

George Bush & Dick Cheney Early Naval Career Picture

Roman Polanski Arrested: Take the "Directors' Get Out of Jail Free Quiz."

The arrest in Switzerland of cinematic genius Roman Polanski (for skipping bail after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with a 13 year old) has caused outrage for being a “prudish revenge against a great talent” who never abided by the rules. Here's your chance to say what other directors are talented enough to deserve a free pass for.

Do this quiz and pass it on to 20 friends or bad things will happen to people you know.

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

17% of twitter updates are about facebook

Grave next to Marilyn Monroe up for sale

Necrophiliac with drill offers highest bid.

World Humour Organisation denies Swine Flu is a Hamdemic

Utter Newsense: Air Force One WTC flyover declared most inappropriate photo opportunity since Gallipoli Memorial Mud Wrestling Match.